It Happened To Me

I would like to share a story with you. This story is one that only a few people know. Many people know of the tragic accident, but not how it affected me. 

On December 13th 2010 my cousin Brandi, at the age of 19, was killed in a tragic accident. I was 14 years old and saw her as my big sister. I was devastated when I heard the news.

That day, like every other day, I had been talking to her about starting up cheerleading at my high school. She was having a bad day and didn't get to the school to talk to the board about it. I had told her that was ok and I couldn't wait to hear what they had to say the next day. I texted her that on my bus ride to the school for gym class. After gym I grabbed my phone, excited to read her response. But there was none. I instantly felt off about the situation. She always texted me back. Always. That night I had found out that she was killed. I'm pretty sure I cried that whole next week. I was certain that I had killed her. I was the reason she crashed. I sent her that text. It was me. 

Those thoughts ruined me. I became depressed. And that is what this story is about. I was 14 years old. I was in the middle of my adolescence where both physical and mental changes happen. Hormonal changes happen. 

For 3-4 years I went through depression. I hated everyone, acted happy and friendly, cried myself to sleep, picked fights, cut myself, told myself that I killed her, and I wanted to die. Multiple times I grabbed that knife and just held it. knowing that I could hurt myself just like I hurt her. I had refused any help because no one knew what I was going through so how could they help me. I lied about everything and lost some great friendships. 

I wish I would have got help. My "friends" that I leaned on just told me to "get over it". That hurt me more than ever. 

Something that I feel needs to be said is that everyone goes through grief in different ways. It does not take the same amount of time to get over something. Everyone is different. It took me 4 years! But you also need to look at the time period of life I was in. I was by no means stable. 

Today I am able to take death much differently. I have had many close friends and family pass away in the last 3 years and It has been hard on me, but I don't fall into depression anymore like I did when I was younger. 

Mental illness is not something to joke about. 

Being a Psychology major I am learning all about mental illness and how different things can effect a person. I hope to work with mental illness patients in their adolescence years. I want to give them the help that I wish I would have taken advantage of. 

I went through Depression alone because I refused help. I hope you don't do the same.